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[personal profile] lostdetective
thinking of

sitting in therapy waiting room,
thinking of
songs to learn
poems to write
battlestar galactica

sitting in therapy waiting room,
thinking of
friends blown off
gas prices
battlestar galactica

sitting in therapy waiting room,
thinking of
drinking soaked chrysanthemums
creamy lemon bars
battlestar galactica

sitting in therapy waiting room,
thinking of
birthdays and
holidays and
work days
battlestar galactica.


Today I was nearly slaughtered emotionally, but I am recovering quickly and decently. There's nothing like anxiety attacks in bathrooms, sobbing out The Big Existential Questions to no one but yourself.
It's hard to see in the midst of my breakdowns (which are all too frequent, but very slowly becoming less and less concentrated and more spread out time-wise), but the only decent theory I've come up with to answer "What's the fucking point?" - or, in more specific terms, why do we exist? - is human connection. As trite as that may sound, the reason I believe I exist, is to share my existence with other existing people while exploring the documented lives of no-longer-existing people. To connect with another living being, despite differences in age, body, history and time, to find something similar, shared; to decipher what things we all experience universally. Share stories, share experiences, share moments - thus enhancing someone else's life and vice versa, even in the tiniest of ways, so that they may go on and do the same with another, creating a chain of inspiration and sense of solidarity.

Of course, when you're trying to quickly re-learn how to breathe while battling that big question, it's hard to think clearly. It's easy to jump to "one day I will die and that will be the end to me and of everything that I know as far as I'm concerned (even though I won't be concerned since I'll be dead anyway) and that's that."

Meanwhile... I did, in fact, get to watch the first episode of season 3 of Battlestar Galactica (which I was hanging onto for dear life post-therapy) -- and totally worth it. I never thought I'd be so into it. I wish I could watch more, but it's a Kayla-and-Pat thing, and Pat was tired. He wants to watch "Nightwatch" tomorrow night, but I think it's getting the shaft until I need a breather from Battlestar. (Will that happen?)

Tomorrow: work.
Thursday: Breakfast with Jordan, work.
Friday: Tea with Jessica & John.
Saturday: Work.
Sunday: Birthday secret plans with Pat, ending with dinner at his parents' house.

I want to punch work schedules in the face. But I'll spare it a death, because the pumpkin cheesecake we have is fucking delicious.

Now, to scour the inner workings of dreamwidth!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-09-23 07:19 pm (UTC)
hissingfauna: Shelley Duvall in The Shining. (The Shining)
From: [personal profile] hissingfauna
Hi. You seem like someone I'd have a few things in common with. The first one is Battlestar. Shut yer frakkin yap and get to the brig.

The second is sudden loss of all emotional processing capabilities and breakdowns of varying severity, concerning all sorts of things - life, love, the point of it all, art, existence.

You know.

Thanks for the add :)


lostdetective: (Default)
lost detective

October 2009

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